6.09.2011

No Wine Before It's Time

The sun really never came out today. Since, there wasn’t any dark clouds either, I wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that… Maybe, do a little walk outside and write a little inside… listening to Classical KUSC. 

So, this past Sunday night, I had another big scare: I experienced a very significant loss of blood. My blood pressure dropped to low. Upon seeing a nurse practitioner (as my oncologist was away this past Monday), she called immediately for a GYN appointment and further prescribed meds for my chemo-related side effects. I was at the gynecologist office not so long ago when a section of my CT scan appeared suspicious. Luckily, my Pap test and biopsy came back normal (always a fear when you have the BRCA gene, also the gene mutation for ovarian cancer). And this time again, the findings from the ultrasound—normal. My excessive bleeding was due to chemotherapy. And, after knowing me for three years, my GYN believes last Monday’s chest pain, shortness of breath was chemo-related, too, not anxiety-based as noted. I thought so, because I’ve had a lot of nightmares in my life.  Hard to believe a dream of a bloody rabbit (post: Dream into Reality -- The Velveteen Rabbit) could produce such horrific heart pain… Hmm… 

All so interesting… For the first time in my chemo regime, my neutrophils have dropped to a low .69 and unless that I get that number back up … clear up the sunburn in my mouth (also due to chemo), my chemo treatment #5 (A/C #1) maybe delayed. I don’t see that happening actually. Today, I feel pretty good. Weird… still kinda rocking it—in a crazy way. 

Chemo has created a host of side effects, which come and go through treatments, beyond the very recent blood clotting and mouth/gum problems such as temporary hair loss, fatigue, nausea, muscle and joint pain, constipation to just the opposite, excessive thirst…

What do I hunger for? What does anyone of us hunger for? Some, it’s as simple as—good health, a good laugh ... or maybe, just a sweet slice of watermelon.

If only chemo weren’t necessary to survive Breast Cancer… I’ve seen people turn it away and pass away quickly, including my own paternal grandmother.

So, the other night in my dream, I was praying… while standing. Two other women were kneeling with their backs against me. They felt terrible for something… I have been deeply hurt by others, without saying…

I’m on a collective journey here. It’s not all about me and my healing…

In another recent dream, I saw a beautiful vineyard, fields of red ripe grapes, after climbing what appeared like Mt. Everest, and escaping a tsunami. I’m ascending above an overwhelming circumstance…

I contemplated what all those grapes meant that I saw in my dream. In Christian dream dictionaries, it represents the Blood of Christ, associated with blood and sacrifice.

Reminds me of Joseph Campbell’s quote... 


“We must let go of the life we have planned, 
so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” 


All we—the circle of cancer survivors, caretakers, supporters, doctors, nurses, family and friends, our pets—can hope for… is that all this hard work and effort will pay off in the long run. That we will persevere to complete our “unfinished business”... however long that maybe. I’m hoping for at least 30 years. O.K. 40, or how about 50, dear Lord?… make me a good bottle of wine.

1 comment:

Entropy said...

WAVES ARE WATER

“When you look at the surface of the ocean, you can see waves coming up and going down. You can describe these waves in terms of high or low, big or small, more vigorous, more beautiful or less beautiful. You can describe a wave in terms of beginning and end, birth and death. That can be compared to the historical dimension. In the historical dimension, we are concerned with birth and death, more powerful, less powerful, more beautiful, less beautiful, beginning and end and so on.

Looking deeply, we can also see that the waves are at the same time water. A wave may like to seek its own true nature. The wave might suffer from fear, from complexes. A wave may say, “I am not as big as the other waves,” “I am oppressed,” “I am not as beautiful as the other waves,” “I have been born and I have to die.” The wave may suffer from these things, these ideas. But if the wave bends down and touches her true nature she will realize that she is water. Then her fear and complexes will disappear.

Water is free from the birth and death of a wave. Water is free from high and low, more beautiful and less beautiful. You can talk in terms of more beautiful and less beautiful, high or low, only in terms of waves. As far as water is concerned, all these concepts are invalid.

Our true nature is the nature of no birth and no death. We do not have to go anywhere in order to touch our true nature. The wave does not have to look for water because she is water. We do not have to look for God, we do not have to look for our ultimate dimension or nirvana, because we are nirvana, we are God.

You are what you area looking for. You are already what you want to become. You can say to the wave, “My dearest wave, you are water. You don’t have to go and seek water. Your nature is the nature of nondiscrimination, of no birth, of no death, of no being and of no non-being.”

Practice like a wave. Take the time to look deeply into yourself and recognize that your nature is the nature of no-birth and no-death. You can break through to freedom and fearlessness this way. This method of practice will help us to live without fear, and it will help us to die peacefully without regret.”

- THICH NHAT HANH -